Tattooes

I have a difficult time with tattooes. I don't understand them which is difficult for me because it makes me feel prudish or out of touch. I feel badly for the young girls I see with tattooes and even worse for the older women.  I have over the last several weeks seen many many women trying to dress up inspite of their tat's and it really can't be done. There is something about a tattooe that taints the effect of an eveninggown. They add an element of I am sorry to say it but trashiness to elegence. No matter how pretty the art work may be I don't understand the need for its permence.

If I knew then........

If I knew then what I know now I would have never unnecessarily missed a moment of my children's childhood. There were so many times when I could have done things differently. I could have put them first. I thought I was - you know what- that is a lie, I started to say I thought I was doing the right thing but the truth is I didn't, not really. I knew when I went out at night and left them yet again with the sitter that I was being selfish. I knew I should spend more time, read more bedtime stories, help them with their homework more often then I did. The thing is when they were young I thought it would always be that way. I thought they would always need me. I thought that I would always be giving, giving, giving. I thought that there would be time to be a better mother. I thought I was going to do a better job next time, next week, next year.

It was so important for me to have my time. Be good to myself. Take care of me so I could better take care of them. I miss them so much now. I miss the idea that I can be that better mother to those little boys before they went on to become men. I was a good mother but I could have been great. I cheated myself out of being able to take- I mean really accept, the compliment of raising such wonderful people.

My sons are so beautiful so incredibly wonderful and I wish I would have spent more time with when they were young. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't let myself ever feel put upon for the gift of being able to raise them.

Bulldog!

My little baby is an English bulldog named Muggs Lee Jaeger He is the love of my life animal wise. The problem is we have ruined him. He is spoiled and honestly believes he is the boss around here. He has stairs that he uses to get into our bed at night. Unfortunately just like a child once you let them into your bed you pay hell to get them out. He sleeps right between us with his head up on the pillows. He snores like a bulldozer and kicks anything that gets in the way of his snoozing pleasure. I love him him dearly but I really need to get a good nights sleep of my own. He is like sleeping with a newborn. Every three hours he is awake and in need of my attention. I never would have let my real babies get away with this. Well, never mind that isn't really true both Bryan and Brent were the boss of the bed for awhile to.

Lucky Girl

I have M.S. so sometimes I have a hard time getting out and about.  It will be nice to have a place to voice all of my many opinions and thoughts. I have had a very busy life so a little down time has been good for me- I guess. I miss working. I was in management and dealt with lots of people day in and day out. This staying home has been a real adjustment. I am very fortunate that my husband works out of the house and we get to travel a lot.
I was a single parent for more than 20 years. When I say single parent I mean a truly single parent. Their father had no visitation, paid no real child support. I would every couple of months get a check for $20 most of the time the checks were less than $10. I often got checks for .19-.25 cents. I don't why they would even waste the paper on a .23 cent check. (I will save that whole rant for another time). The boys were little babies the last time their father spent time with them. I think my oldest was two. After waiting several times for him to show up for his visits and seeing the heartbreak on his face when once again daddy didn't show up we all just kind of stopped pretending and gave up. People don't believe me when I tell them I hold nothing against Al. I actually feel really grateful to him for staying out of the picture and letting me raise the boys. It would have been nice for them to have had a father but if he couldn't stay sober and out of jail it was for the best that he just stayed out of the way. My kids got all of the traits I loved most about him. I love him still for the babies we made together. I can catch such clear glimpses of him sometimes in the way my boys laugh or tell a story.  I am very happy that he is the one I chose because his kids are fabulous.
I usually worked more than one job at a time. It wasn't until the last 8 years of my career  that I started making enough money to relax a little. It's funny how once you can afford to have children they move out.
I met my husband just as my youngest son was going away to college.  He (my husband) is my best friend. We have so much fun together. He has allowed me to live a life I never thought possible. I feel really truly safe with someone for the first time ever.
 It is difficult to realise that my sons don't know their own father. Drugs and Alcohol have stolen allot from us all. I am very fortunate in that although I have had times in my life where I abused many things- I am not an addict. I can enjoy a cocktail.  Good thing since my husband is in the liquor business. 
I have never tried to be friends with my kids. I was their mom. I think that because I understood that very early on I was able to raise men that I can be friends with now. I think many parents forget that their kids will be adults far longer than they will be children. Treating them like your friend early on doesn't leave much room for friendship later. Think about it most of the friends you had at 12-13 are strangers to you now.
I am very very proud of the job I did raising both my boys. They are such incredible people. I think the thing I love the most is their sense of humor. They are both so funny. They are truly, truly funny and it is a funniness that comes from being happy.  So much of what is funny today comes from sarcasm and snarkiness and although it has its place, sarcasm is such lazy humor. Although my boys can be sarcastic and a little snarky they are actually funny in other ways. My oldest lives in LA now and while he was visiting last week he and his brother had me laughing to the point of tears -several times. 
I really miss having my kids at home but both of them have moved on. I used to wish for them to come back. I made lists in my head of all the things I would do differently. I now understand that if you raise them well they leave you. Although I made my fair share of mistakes I wouldn't change a thing. They are who they are not just because of my successes but also due to my failures.  I really am a lucky girl.