If I knew then what I know now I would have never unnecessarily missed a moment of my children's childhood. There were so many times when I could have done things differently. I could have put them first. I thought I was - you know what- that is a lie, I started to say I thought I was doing the right thing but the truth is I didn't, not really. I knew when I went out at night and left them yet again with the sitter that I was being selfish. I knew I should spend more time, read more bedtime stories, help them with their homework more often then I did. The thing is when they were young I thought it would always be that way. I thought they would always need me. I thought that I would always be giving, giving, giving. I thought that there would be time to be a better mother. I thought I was going to do a better job next time, next week, next year.
It was so important for me to have my time. Be good to myself. Take care of me so I could better take care of them. I miss them so much now. I miss the idea that I can be that better mother to those little boys before they went on to become men. I was a good mother but I could have been great. I cheated myself out of being able to take- I mean really accept, the compliment of raising such wonderful people.
My sons are so beautiful so incredibly wonderful and I wish I would have spent more time with when they were young. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't let myself ever feel put upon for the gift of being able to raise them.
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